porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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