Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
