I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I love you. Go after that dick
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
