i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
