Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
