Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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