He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
