Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
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Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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