As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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