my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
