Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
