he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
