I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Come on in and take your pants off
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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