Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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