i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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