he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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