You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
