flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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