he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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