they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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