i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
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What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
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Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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