I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
