I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
