Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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