my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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