so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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