i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
