i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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