hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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