Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
