i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
