Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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