so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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