Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
