this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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