just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
