dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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