So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
