I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
