If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
