so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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