Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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