my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
