I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Randomize
