I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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