I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
