You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
