I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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