if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize