If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
