I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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