He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
