I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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