I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
