Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So here I am, sexting at work.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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