i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
