remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
