i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
