you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Green mimosas i think yes
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
